Learning, growing.

My confidence ebbs and flows along with my skill and creative desire. Currently, I'm going through a growth period in photography. I discovered something new, and now I'm working to incoporate that with my previous skillset.

When I'm learning something new, I fumble. I make mistakes. A LOT of them. But I keep moving forward, knowing that with each mistake I will be able to critique and learn something new. I remember the first little shoot I did for a friend of mine. I was shooting away at her little one, chatting up with her. I kept adjusting the images, but they all were overexposed. I just didn't know what was wrong, what I was doing wrong. In the end, I went home, and saw that I was shooting at ISO 400 on a very bright, sunny day. I didn't realize it until I came home, and was so scared to see the results. In the end, the photos turned out pretty good (not great, but I learned something!)

Currently, I'm playing, learning, growing. It's SCARY! And each time I'm in this phase, I become fearful of 'messing up' shots. I know deep in my heart that they'll end up OK and I now have enough confidence as to avoid shooting some photos in green box mode 'just in case'.

Today and again this weekend I'll have the opportunity to shoot a newborn. He's going to be born TODAY. I'm so excited, a bit nervous and anxious to meet this little man. Then, this weekend, I get to shoot him again with his older brother.

My confidence will shake, but I know that I've been asked by this friend to capture the newest addition to her family because she trusts my eye. She knows my style, knows that she won't be able to shoot the images herself (hello recovery!) and I'm so pleased she's asked me to be part of her son's new life. She is one of the people that feeds my desire to grow, she is the one that suggested we 'split' MeRa's DVD set. I have her to thank for all this growth.

Friendship...

Since my What I Have Now post, I've realized not only how good I really have it, but that I have little to complain about. It's amazing how just acknowledging your current situation can make everything that much better. I also came across two or three powerful stories of others, that have not only inspired me, but reminded me to be oh so thankful for my life, my family, my loves and my friends.

I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Watching the way friends treat one another. Seeing friendships of mine that are close and honest right along side those that I 'give' more to than take from.

We all have friends that we're willing to give endlessly to. Advice, money, time, admiration. Whatever it takes, we're there for our friends and it's fulfilling as opposed to draining. There is no order too big, no situation too scary or dire that we won't jump in to help.

I also have friendships (and I know I'm not alone) that we give to. We want to be given back to, but it just doesn't happen. I know that these friendships are not only a drain on me emotionally, but physically and mentally, too. These friends are often the most insecure, the least willing to do for me as I do for them. And yet, I keep them around. History or some other reasons keep me coming back for more, only to be disappointed time and time again.

Often, I ask myself how can I give more to my friends? How can I be supportive, encouraging and helpful. I need to start watching myself, however. There are just some people that will take and take and take. They know that I'm an endless source of whatever they need and I can't continue to allow myself to be 'used'.

This is all one long ramble. But an issue I'm working through.

We're moved in. Thank goodness. The unpacking is happening slowly but surely. I'm aiming for one box at a time. And we have a lot of boxes. Now we'll just see if we're unpacked by J's 2nd birthday party in June ;)

What I have now.

I came across a 'personal growth' assignment this week. It is to define 'what I have now' as opposed to looking at all that I don't have. To take a mental picture of where I'm at as of Feb 1, 2010 and appreciate what's within my grasp currently. I think it will be helpful as a 'starting off point' and a great way to check back this time next year to see how far I've come, what I've maintained, what I've let go and in what other ways I've been able to grow (both professionally and personally).

Right now, I have at home:
An amazing, loving, supportive husband. He can take one look at me, know my mood, what I need, what I don't need. He knows when to say "Babe, sit down. Just stop for a minute". He knows when I need time out with the girls, and makes it possible for me to feed that need. He recognizes when I need time alone, and more importantly, time with him. He supports me to the Nth degree and I would really be lost in a tizzy without him.

I have a beautiful, passionate daughter. She is super independent, is very straightforward as to her desires ("Can I have a kiss?" she responds with vigorous head shaking and "Noo") and for only being a year and a half old, I can already tell I'll be growing for no other reason than to keep up with her. She inspires me. She has opened more doors for me than I know what to do with.

I have boxes surrounding me. It's a fresh, clean slate. Hopefully only one we'll be in for less than 2 years. I hope. But right now, it's perfect. Just the right size, the right acoustics, the right environment for a HOME.

I also have a great family network. Parents that live far away but still make every effort to see us often, to get to see their granddaughter. It's awesome.

At work I have...
An awesome employer. They understand my innate desire for growth. They encourage it, give me the tools necessary to reach and strive and open up. Not only professionally, but personally, too. As long as it comes with business growth ;) but motivation and desire often go hand in hand with business growth within my role. Work is close to home, hours are flexible, I'm able to 'balance' both sides with minimal 'give' from the other end. It's beautiful.

I have a great team at work. One that seems almost seamless. The staff are encouraged and happy, which, in turn makes my job easier and more rewarding. Watching the entire team reach for a single goal and accomplishing it is SO encouraging and exciting!

What I have amongst friends...
I have such a supportive network of friends. They're real, they're honest. They *know* who I am, what I do, where I'm coming from. They don't judge my decisions or actions, they tell me when I screwed up, but also allow me to learn from mistakes. They're supportive, loving, kind and funny as hell. They bring food when we're moving, a hug when I've had a rough day and words of encouragement when I need a pick me up.

I am so loved. In a great spot. It feels phenomenal.

so much for daily blogging ;)

Wow. The move has stripped away any time or energy or gumption I had for 'creative works'. I have been so drained working up until this weekend when we actually move, I'm just plain exhausted.

I feel naked. On the verge of a new, great life, stripped down to nothing. New beginnings. New opportunities, ready to embrace my wonderful life in a new space.

Until then, I remain either packing, entertaining Jenna or collapsed in a pile of goo at the end of the day.

New beginnings... and other randoms

So in the last week, we've decided to take a leap. To move. To move out of the rental house that we're currently in and really dislike for a number of reasons and move into another rental. We considered buying, but decided that buying to get out of our current house wasn't a good enough reason to make the very big leaps that would have been required to purchase. So we're renting a place that will make us happy for the next year or two.

One thing that has been on my mind is judgments. Watching someone judge a friend the second they walk into a room only moments after *I* was visually looked up and down, being judged moments before. It's difficult. Likely not intentional by the 'judger' but it's hurtful.

In the 'four agreements' one of the agreements is to not take anything personal. This has been difficult. It's been a struggle. My entire life I've taken EVERYTHING personal. Everything. So to watch myself, know that it's unnecessary and not helpful to take anything personal even when I've been looked up and down with a touch of a sneer is HARD.

I know things are on the up and up. I know that I need to include things that make me happy on a daily basis. I know it's easy to do. I just need to *do* it. The fact that Jenna doesn't allow me to photograph her anymore has made that challenging. Sooo, I've offered to shoot some shots of my friends. This makes me happy beyond words. Just me, the camera, friends, good conversation, beautiful colors. Happy. Fun. Exciting. Loving. I'm not a pro, I have absolutely no intentions of going pro. Ever. But shooting images, stopping life, makes me so incredibly happy. (the fact that I have a serious aversion to post production feeds this, along with my free time I want to be FREE, not dedicated to others). I can't wait, wait, wait for my little niece or nephew to come into this world so I can shoot the peely skin, the proud parents, and the first time Uncle.

New home. Great, supportive friends. A happy, healthy family. What more can a girl ask for?

Update

Here's my little check in on my 'happy list'.

I created this list to include things that make me personally happy... Not something that other people can do for me, but items or tasks that I am in complete control of doing in order to bring me happiness... then I kept the list in mind over the weekend.

I put the items in bold that I did this weekend...
Flowers -bought flowers at the farmers market this weekend, and cut some from the rose bushes outside
reading finished the happiness book, started and finished Outliers, almost done with The Four Agreements
knitting
photography - uploaded photos from the holidays... picked up my camera and played with a few settings while shooting photos of Jenna
friends -NYE with friends!
family -lots of family outings... to the steam trains, went shopping a bit, lunch out, walks)
a clean house - worked to re-establish routines that I started with 'fly lady' way back when
a clean car
a full gas tank - :) started the weekend with a full tank
passion - plenty with reading and enjoying life
enthusiasm - yup!
optimism - yup!
a manicure or pedicure - I cleaned the red polish off my nails... I have yet to get one...
an open heart :)
Nick's hugs - plenty!
date night - we did this a couple weeks ago
family outings - see above answer
dressing up - went to get a couple of dresses to complete my resolution of 'wear more dresses this year!'
personal alone time - I got a few moments of quiet time...
working towards a goal - this is a goal :) (writing, reading, personal growth)
farmer's markets - we went this weekend!
snuggling up with Jenna - we did a bit of this
reading to Jenna - I had a lot of time to read to her this weekend
walking with Jenna - we went for quite a few walks
family walks - :)
dessert time with Nick - we have this nightly :) it makes me happy
day dreaming - of course!
writing- check!

Honestly, once I wrote these things down, they were super easy to incorporate. When faced with the question of 'what do we want to do today?' it was super easy to say "Let's go to the farmer's market!" Or for a walk, or to visit the steam trains (Nick gets a fun little drive in his gold wheeled beast, Jenna gets to enjoy the train, I get to shoot some photos, we all have a great family outing). Essentially, just writing down the things that make me happy allowed me to put them into practice and actually have one of the best weekends I've had in a long, long time.

Don't take it personally

I'm currently reading 'The Four Agreements' and one of the agreements is "Don't take anything personally"

Easier said than done.. I take *everything* personally! The objective is to understand that everyone lives in their own lives. They all are sitting there with a 360 degree mirror and do what they do for themselves. Often, when someone does something for someone else, it's to get rewarded by praise, or for some other reward. The point is, you can't change others thoughts, words, reactions. You can only control your own. So, when someone says something negative, don't take it personally. You can't know their motives, so don't try!